Ignorance is bliss, and it is that bliss that we come to loathe after the presentation of information which we may find either disturbing, or liberating. I say this with the troubled realization that, maybe, my two spirits are, once again, at odds.
I apologized for not posting anything the last two days. Those of you who have seen me these last couple of days know how my school life has been, so it cannot be said that this is necessarily me being lazy. However, while all the craziness begins to wind down, i will do what i can to stay fairly consistent in my commitment to all of you to blog faithfully on this website.
First, a bomb shell: i am considering going to Haiti during the summer. It's not a definite: my mom simply asked what i thought about it while were heading home two days ago, and i've just been keeping it in the back of my mind since then.
As you know, my mom has indeed recently flown to Haiti in order to help with the relief effort. During that time, I anxiously awaited her return because of the fear that i had for her safety. in my mind, though my heart goes out to the victims of the first of a series of devastating quakes, is that i would never want to go to a place such as Haiti. It isn't that i don't feel anything, but that i wouldn't survive there for so many reasons.
The government could seize my passport, and i wouldn't be able to leave.
The sight of the damage in Port-au-Prince would incapacitate me.
I don't speak Creole.
I don't know the first thing about surviving in another country.
In spite of all this, however, i haven't totally ruled out the possibility of flying out there. Today, when my mom picked me up from school, i brought up the subject, and she said that it there may be a chance that i would be able to go with my favorite cousin, Nastacia. She said, since one of my personal career goals was to have a masters in Investigative Reporting, i could be a cameraman and compile a sort of documentary of what i witness.
But, i have been seriously considering flying to Haiti before my mom brought up the other possibility. To be honest, i have been wondering if God himself has been leading me to do this. All those things that I am afraid of; none of them have been enough for me to say "No", and the more i contemplate it, the more i wish for direction in that area from God.
But maybe he already is?
How can one tell when God is speaking to them on a certain subject matter? I've come to believe that he speaks in different ways: through the bible, through logic, through other people, through dreams, it seems to be different ALL the time. How, then? How can we know what is the right thing to do?
Today, i was explaining to one of my friends so details about the bible in regards to homosexuality. Like myself, he is seeking freedom from it, and I very pleased with the progress he has made. When we were talking about articles i had read about homosexuality, i began surfing for articles about homosexuality and the bible. I had come across and article that so boldly read, "What the bible says- And Doesn't say- about homosexuality."
When i clicked on the link, i was referred to this article, which i will post on this blog. It made me somewhat perplexed.
http://www.soulforce.org/article/homosexuality-bible-gay-christian
Now, as some of you may have noted, Rev. White's a great rhetorician, and his logic does have a point of validity. However, i feel like there needs to be a sort of response from some of the people who follow this blog on the site, and the email at home. I feel like this is a test from God, but i cannot tell what for? Is he telling me that, just maybe, my happiness lies in a life long relationship with another man, as it has been suggested by various colleagues and close friends who aren't exactly christian? Or is he checking to see if my faith is strong enough to withstand this otherwise perceived trial or crises of faith?
Please comment either here, on my email, or Facebook. Make sure you read the article before you answer, because i need to know that your understanding includes a response to this article. Any resources that you have for me, i am ready and willing to examine, digest, and give my response on.
Oh, and one more thing: how do each of you, those of you who "hear" God speaking to you, know that it is him?
Friday, April 9, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Accelerando, Piu mosso, Stringendo... Subito Agitato Staccatissimo
Yeah, i know what you are thinking: "What kind of title is that?!"
Well, for those of you who aren't exactly fluent in Italian, or music, the words are a series of adjectives that are arranged in a Whitman-esque fashion, meant to translate into "Getting faster, more swift, suffocating... suddenly ripped apart"
I suppose the reason that I choose to write all of this to express sort of that attitude that was thrust in my face today. All through the day, though i managed to stay on top of it, it seemed like there were deadlines everywhere i turned: Music IA due friday, the same day i go to CalState to do a performance of Rent for some theater thing, and My Math IA is due in the morning, right before i Take my English IOC, and my Physics IA was supposed to be turned into today, but, because I ingeniously forgot my flash drive at home after working until 3 00 am in the morning, i had to rework everything and gather some more data, i'm still not finished with anything Math IA, or the last two Physics labs.
So saying that, the attention is then focused on the second part of the translation. With High School coming to a close [after these next two weeks, all that will be left will be the Preparation for exams],it seems like relationships are the most tested at that time. Hearts face a premature breaking, minds begin packing up all the memories they have for the road, and, long before we cross the stage and receive the mock diplomas that we will then pick up the next day, not only have our consciousness checked out academically, which is collective known as "Senioritus", but emotionally, we have already said our goodbyes. We have already stuffed in our duffel bag all the nostalgic nuances, funny stories, perfect moments, stupid fights, and inevitable make-ups. However, no matter how big our duffel bags is, there never seems to be enough room to take the things left unsaid with us.
Maybe that's a good thing.
However, when we hold onto God, something happens. Those goodbyes, once a sheer colossus of grief threatening to devour you with a single gulp, blows away like dust and ash revealing a smaller, and much more endurable, "till next time we meet."
The bible describes Heaven as a place where there is no suffering, death, grief, or worry. I would like to believe that we will also see our loved ones there, had they too chosen to follow God. Suddenly, the departure becomes less painful.
In fact, there is virtually no departure at all.
Monday, April 5, 2010
It is easy to become Jaded.
Have you ever had that friend who, no matter how much you loved them, seemed to step all over you at times? No matter how much you tried to show them how much you loved them, or how much influence they held in your lives, it always seemed like that particular friend always mistreated you or poked fun at certain aspects in your life that made you shut down emotionally, or even seek a way out of the relationship?
I know i have. One of my best friends has a tendency to just be himself and never apologize for anything. While we appreciate that sort of person for their honesty, there is a point when we seek approval above someone's honest opinion.
Today, i had a less-than congenial altercation with my friend. It was about this blog, of all things. It wasn't that I didn't want his honesty, but i wanted it without the acrimony. The argument didn't end too well i don't think, but i can tell you that now i sit at the crossroads between two decisions--forgiveness, or revenge?
Well, it is easy to become Jaded. I've pleaded with this friend to be more conscious of his vices and to be more understanding of my smallness. I can't say that he's been cooperative to that aspect. At the end of the altercation, i had decided that it probably be better to simply let the relationship fall by the wayside.
That decision lasted as long as it took to step into the shower, meditate, pray, and start preparing my coffee for my restless night.
A lot of times, i think about my relationship about God. More often than not, i could imagine God shaking me senseless because of things that I should being doing, and things that i shouldn't be doing. I'm really screwy when it comes down to it. I fight with those i love the most, it seems, and sometimes it's over the most trivial of things. However, i have noticed that with our friends, it always seems like the best ones are the ones that stick around through all of the issues that we deal with.
"So, Atticus, what do you do with that friend?"
Well, i will recall to my junior year. When i was speaking with this friend, i had tried to explain an issue to one of my friends. Because of my position as a christian who is seeking freedom from homosexuality, sometimes, the world becomes a very lonely place. I was trying to express this loneliness to my friend when he interrupted me to give his opinion. At a loss, i lost control. I suddenly started bawling my eyes out, right in front of him and the three other people in the room. I didn't instigate it, and i was shocked at how quickly the emotion had responded, and how little control i had over the situation.
God avidly seeks our attention. He knows our deepest pains, he sees our struggles, and he knows the dreams we have, and yet we can never give him the time of day it seems. We instead scoff at him, roll our eyes, and come up with excuses NOT to follow him, or his will. Sometimes, God feels like i felt that day. He get's so heartbroken over our tragedies and our loneliness, but he never thinks about leaving us.
And why?
As i began to regain some form of composure after about a minute or two, i noticed that My same friend who I had been butting heads with over the subject was standing there with an outstretched arm, a Sunny Delight bottle in his hands. Before i had understood what happened, he was already dusting off my emotions. He was nice, reflective, and helpful.
The reason that God hangs out with hard-headed people is because they have the greatest capacity of pleasing Him. He often uses the weaklings, the whiners, the proud and the ignorant because they often become the greatest success stories.
If you took an honest look at your life, you would see that God had a lot to talk about the way you lived your life: all the lies that you told, all the shortcuts and empty promises that you made. Only God could put up with it all, and yet, he asks the same of us, practicing grace and patience with those like us: the screw-ups and miss-outs on life.
So what do you do with that friend who doesn't always seem like a friend? Give thanks. It is easy to become Jaded, but it is much more rewarding to become Forgiving.
I know i have. One of my best friends has a tendency to just be himself and never apologize for anything. While we appreciate that sort of person for their honesty, there is a point when we seek approval above someone's honest opinion.
Today, i had a less-than congenial altercation with my friend. It was about this blog, of all things. It wasn't that I didn't want his honesty, but i wanted it without the acrimony. The argument didn't end too well i don't think, but i can tell you that now i sit at the crossroads between two decisions--forgiveness, or revenge?
Well, it is easy to become Jaded. I've pleaded with this friend to be more conscious of his vices and to be more understanding of my smallness. I can't say that he's been cooperative to that aspect. At the end of the altercation, i had decided that it probably be better to simply let the relationship fall by the wayside.
That decision lasted as long as it took to step into the shower, meditate, pray, and start preparing my coffee for my restless night.
A lot of times, i think about my relationship about God. More often than not, i could imagine God shaking me senseless because of things that I should being doing, and things that i shouldn't be doing. I'm really screwy when it comes down to it. I fight with those i love the most, it seems, and sometimes it's over the most trivial of things. However, i have noticed that with our friends, it always seems like the best ones are the ones that stick around through all of the issues that we deal with.
"So, Atticus, what do you do with that friend?"
Well, i will recall to my junior year. When i was speaking with this friend, i had tried to explain an issue to one of my friends. Because of my position as a christian who is seeking freedom from homosexuality, sometimes, the world becomes a very lonely place. I was trying to express this loneliness to my friend when he interrupted me to give his opinion. At a loss, i lost control. I suddenly started bawling my eyes out, right in front of him and the three other people in the room. I didn't instigate it, and i was shocked at how quickly the emotion had responded, and how little control i had over the situation.
God avidly seeks our attention. He knows our deepest pains, he sees our struggles, and he knows the dreams we have, and yet we can never give him the time of day it seems. We instead scoff at him, roll our eyes, and come up with excuses NOT to follow him, or his will. Sometimes, God feels like i felt that day. He get's so heartbroken over our tragedies and our loneliness, but he never thinks about leaving us.
And why?
As i began to regain some form of composure after about a minute or two, i noticed that My same friend who I had been butting heads with over the subject was standing there with an outstretched arm, a Sunny Delight bottle in his hands. Before i had understood what happened, he was already dusting off my emotions. He was nice, reflective, and helpful.
The reason that God hangs out with hard-headed people is because they have the greatest capacity of pleasing Him. He often uses the weaklings, the whiners, the proud and the ignorant because they often become the greatest success stories.
If you took an honest look at your life, you would see that God had a lot to talk about the way you lived your life: all the lies that you told, all the shortcuts and empty promises that you made. Only God could put up with it all, and yet, he asks the same of us, practicing grace and patience with those like us: the screw-ups and miss-outs on life.
So what do you do with that friend who doesn't always seem like a friend? Give thanks. It is easy to become Jaded, but it is much more rewarding to become Forgiving.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
The Day of Truth Dilemma
For those of you who don't know what this day is, it is a day where christian students- either in high school or college- talk about how homosexuality is wrong, and warn the other students about the dangers of the Gay lifestyle. The day was created in response to the establishment of Day of Silence, where participants set out to cease talking for an entire day in order to brig attention to the tragedies of bullying of other students because of their sexual orientation in public schools.
I have been contemplating what i will be doing on these days [4/15 and 4/16]. I cannot say that, in my position, I have been doing too well in terms of expressing my views of homosexuality. I will definitely be participating in Day of Silence, if no other reason than to say that, as a christian, i wouldn't condone the bullying of another person regardless of race, creed, sex, sexual orientation, or anything else. However, there is literally no one at my school who knows anything about Day of Truth or practices it.
To be honest, I want to partake in Day of Truth, even if i should partake in it alone. I know what a great trial that day could be, but i must also see it for the great miracle that it could also be. Experience has taught me that most gay people are extremely jaded when it comes to Christianity, or have accepted a twisted theology that tries to discredit a truth of God. Homosexuals definitely seem to love to hate those who hated them first, and, to them, it seemed like God abandoned them a long time ago when he preserved the Words of Leviticus 18:22
But, to the many people that I'm trying to reach with this day, what I want them to know is that God hasn't stopped loving them. These verses have served their purpose of laying down the law that man was supposed to live up to in the old testament. God hasn't changed his view about homosexuality and how it is wrong.However,that isn't all that God has to say about his dealings with homosexuals. When Jesus came down, he set us free from the law by dying on the cross. All of a sudden, our salvation wasn't solely decided by how well we upheld the laws [which would've needed to be done perfectly], but rather on our decision to accept God's gift of his son dying for our sins, and our further decision to honor such a sacrifice by becoming a living sacrifice for God.
Homosexuals are under the impression Christians are anti-gay, and you know what? I think that we are, but we aren't anti-human. Good Christians know that their first and foremost priority is to give themselves as servants to those around them in hope of being a living example of Christs love.
A great Bible verse to remember in terms of homosexuality and Jesus would be found in 1 Corinthians 6:9-11
However, i have long since discovered that many homosexuals make their homosexuality the defining factors of their lives. They go to Gay-friendly institutions, read almost exclusively gay-friendly literature. I personally don't see how I can hold an honest debate about God and sexuality when they, or i, fail to acquire adequate information on the opposing argument. Then we'd be a living example of Mark Twain's "Corn-pone Opinions":
I also know that a lot of homosexuals are really thrown by the fact that it seems like their sin is "detestable" as stated in the text. That isn't true-- just look in proverbs 6:16-19.
God showed me that I could be more than simply defined by my sexuality, and i want to convey that to them. That is what i want that day to be about.
Tonight, readers, i leave you with the result of years of painful realizations and an acceptance of God on my part. I only ask for your well wishes in my endeavors your opinions on the subject [remember-- no Corn-pones!]
Good night, and Good voyages on the road to self-discovery and formulations of opinions that are entirely 100 per cent your own.
I have been contemplating what i will be doing on these days [4/15 and 4/16]. I cannot say that, in my position, I have been doing too well in terms of expressing my views of homosexuality. I will definitely be participating in Day of Silence, if no other reason than to say that, as a christian, i wouldn't condone the bullying of another person regardless of race, creed, sex, sexual orientation, or anything else. However, there is literally no one at my school who knows anything about Day of Truth or practices it.
To be honest, I want to partake in Day of Truth, even if i should partake in it alone. I know what a great trial that day could be, but i must also see it for the great miracle that it could also be. Experience has taught me that most gay people are extremely jaded when it comes to Christianity, or have accepted a twisted theology that tries to discredit a truth of God. Homosexuals definitely seem to love to hate those who hated them first, and, to them, it seemed like God abandoned them a long time ago when he preserved the Words of Leviticus 18:22
Do not lie with a man as one does with a women; that is detestable20:13
If a man lies with another man, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads., and Romans 1:21-27
For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles..
Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator-who is forever praised. Amen.
Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves due punishment for their perversion.
But, to the many people that I'm trying to reach with this day, what I want them to know is that God hasn't stopped loving them. These verses have served their purpose of laying down the law that man was supposed to live up to in the old testament. God hasn't changed his view about homosexuality and how it is wrong.However,that isn't all that God has to say about his dealings with homosexuals. When Jesus came down, he set us free from the law by dying on the cross. All of a sudden, our salvation wasn't solely decided by how well we upheld the laws [which would've needed to be done perfectly], but rather on our decision to accept God's gift of his son dying for our sins, and our further decision to honor such a sacrifice by becoming a living sacrifice for God.
Homosexuals are under the impression Christians are anti-gay, and you know what? I think that we are, but we aren't anti-human. Good Christians know that their first and foremost priority is to give themselves as servants to those around them in hope of being a living example of Christs love.
A great Bible verse to remember in terms of homosexuality and Jesus would be found in 1 Corinthians 6:9-11
Don't you know that the wicked will not enter the kingdom of heaven? Do not be deceived: neither sexually immoral, nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlerers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were, but you were washed, you were sanctified, and you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.What is important to note here, first off is that many different kinds of people wouldn't make it into heaven based on the first part of this quote. At one time or another, we were ALL part of this group. We were greedy in our hearts, sly with our words, and adulterous in our minds. We would never be admitted into heaven. However, we can say that there has definitely been a saving grace [see where i added the italics in the quote? XD]: God saved us anyway! The rest of the verse goes on to say that God took us out of that condition by sending his son to die on the cross.
However, i have long since discovered that many homosexuals make their homosexuality the defining factors of their lives. They go to Gay-friendly institutions, read almost exclusively gay-friendly literature. I personally don't see how I can hold an honest debate about God and sexuality when they, or i, fail to acquire adequate information on the opposing argument. Then we'd be a living example of Mark Twain's "Corn-pone Opinions":
Men think they think upon great political questions, and they do; but they think with their party, not independently; they read its literature, but not that of the other side; they arrive at convictions, but they are drawn from a partial view of the matter in hand and are of no particular value. They Swarm with their party, they feel with their party, they are happy with their party's approval; and where the party leads they will follow, whether for right or for honor, or through blood and dirt and a mush of mutilated morals.
I also know that a lot of homosexuals are really thrown by the fact that it seems like their sin is "detestable" as stated in the text. That isn't true-- just look in proverbs 6:16-19.
There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him:
haughty eyes [pride]
a lying tongue
hands that shed innocent blood,
a heart that devises wicked schemes,
feet that are quick to rush to evil,
a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers
God showed me that I could be more than simply defined by my sexuality, and i want to convey that to them. That is what i want that day to be about.
Tonight, readers, i leave you with the result of years of painful realizations and an acceptance of God on my part. I only ask for your well wishes in my endeavors your opinions on the subject [remember-- no Corn-pones!]
Good night, and Good voyages on the road to self-discovery and formulations of opinions that are entirely 100 per cent your own.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Goals...
We all should have them. Goals are something that, if we don't have them, our lives tend to lose meaning. We cease to perform well, and our lives lack direction. I know that for a fact, because it seems that, for the last eighteen years, i have been a living example of what happens when you don't have Goals, or rather, when you HAVE them, but have no investment in them.
I was never one to simply go through the motions. If I don't see the point in something, don't believe that i will do it. For a long time, i saw that there was very little in all the work that i was doing. All the assignments that were given to us, to me, was simply busy work. Now don't forget, I was an honors student, who managed to transfer into an internationally acclaimed high school program, however, i couldn't necessarily say that i cared about any of it EXCEPT to say that i was in this prestigious program. With great regret, i have to say that all my failures-- my lack of commitment, my laziness, my indecision, my complacency, my foresight of the consequences that were to unfold from my own misadventures, or lack of, all stemmed from my lack of belief. Laziness, i found, is not an incurable condition, ever present and all-too-convenient for us to battle, but simply a lack of belief in something. Whether it be in our dreams, God, or others's beliefs in us, we need these motivations to hold us accountable in everything we do.
I applied to nine universities. I was rejected from seven so far, with one acceptance letter from UCR. I'm not going to lie and say that i took it all in stride. Sure, i cried. It's been rough having the university you were even sure of tel you that they weren't able to admit you. But you knwo what, i'm learning from all of it, because i am reevaluating myself to make the changes necessary to be successful in College, even if my parents did/didn't do these things for me.
By the time I realized what was the issue, it was too late for me in High School to make a difference, but College isn't the end. It is a different step, where we can grow in new ways, it is much like a different chance to fulfill our goals that we couldn't/wouldn't be able to do in high school. However, i must produce, because, like they should've been all along, my dreams are now bigger. Dreaming impossible dreams are the only way that things get done, and when people tell you things like "you are being naive," or "you can't do it." Simply leave those opinions where you found them, because they are worthless to you. We have our purpose on this world, and I have to say that the bigger we dream, the harder we dream, the more motivated we become to do the things that seemed like chores to us before, and the more that rigor is enforced in our own bodies.
After thought and examination about where i will be attending school this fall, i have compiled a list of goals for myself, that I have written in my journal, programmed in my phone, and am now going to post on this blog. These Goals are going to change as my circumstances change, and i will seek to apply belief into all the aspects of my life.
1] I am going to get my IB Dimploma
2] I will ace my IOC
3] I will Start a men's Diving Team at whatever university I attend
4] I will write a book before i finish College
5] I will reach a new level with God, and seek advancement everyday of my life.
6] I will prove everyone wrong....AGAIN
7] I will write in my journal... Every. Single. Day.
8] I will remember my friends... and be more discerning of who is who.
9] I will pray... @ 5 30 every day
10]I will blog... @ 7 30 everyday
11]I will read my bible everyday when i wake up
I bring this entry with one simple command: Believe. Believe in yourself, in God, in others. Believe in something. When you do so, you can find yourself becoming more than what you ever thought you could be.
Goodnight everyone. Goodnight, and Good dreaming.
I was never one to simply go through the motions. If I don't see the point in something, don't believe that i will do it. For a long time, i saw that there was very little in all the work that i was doing. All the assignments that were given to us, to me, was simply busy work. Now don't forget, I was an honors student, who managed to transfer into an internationally acclaimed high school program, however, i couldn't necessarily say that i cared about any of it EXCEPT to say that i was in this prestigious program. With great regret, i have to say that all my failures-- my lack of commitment, my laziness, my indecision, my complacency, my foresight of the consequences that were to unfold from my own misadventures, or lack of, all stemmed from my lack of belief. Laziness, i found, is not an incurable condition, ever present and all-too-convenient for us to battle, but simply a lack of belief in something. Whether it be in our dreams, God, or others's beliefs in us, we need these motivations to hold us accountable in everything we do.
I applied to nine universities. I was rejected from seven so far, with one acceptance letter from UCR. I'm not going to lie and say that i took it all in stride. Sure, i cried. It's been rough having the university you were even sure of tel you that they weren't able to admit you. But you knwo what, i'm learning from all of it, because i am reevaluating myself to make the changes necessary to be successful in College, even if my parents did/didn't do these things for me.
By the time I realized what was the issue, it was too late for me in High School to make a difference, but College isn't the end. It is a different step, where we can grow in new ways, it is much like a different chance to fulfill our goals that we couldn't/wouldn't be able to do in high school. However, i must produce, because, like they should've been all along, my dreams are now bigger. Dreaming impossible dreams are the only way that things get done, and when people tell you things like "you are being naive," or "you can't do it." Simply leave those opinions where you found them, because they are worthless to you. We have our purpose on this world, and I have to say that the bigger we dream, the harder we dream, the more motivated we become to do the things that seemed like chores to us before, and the more that rigor is enforced in our own bodies.
After thought and examination about where i will be attending school this fall, i have compiled a list of goals for myself, that I have written in my journal, programmed in my phone, and am now going to post on this blog. These Goals are going to change as my circumstances change, and i will seek to apply belief into all the aspects of my life.
1] I am going to get my IB Dimploma
2] I will ace my IOC
3] I will Start a men's Diving Team at whatever university I attend
4] I will write a book before i finish College
5] I will reach a new level with God, and seek advancement everyday of my life.
6] I will prove everyone wrong....AGAIN
7] I will write in my journal... Every. Single. Day.
8] I will remember my friends... and be more discerning of who is who.
9] I will pray... @ 5 30 every day
10]I will blog... @ 7 30 everyday
11]I will read my bible everyday when i wake up
I bring this entry with one simple command: Believe. Believe in yourself, in God, in others. Believe in something. When you do so, you can find yourself becoming more than what you ever thought you could be.
Goodnight everyone. Goodnight, and Good dreaming.
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