Stanford...

I have taken notice that this road has begun to grow lonely. As the days continue, I see one concurrent issue begin to alienate me from friends, mentors, and even family.

"Why would you want to transfer?"... "There's nothing at Stanford that UCR can't give you!"... "Of all the people that I've told that you are going to UCR, you have got the only person who isn't happy with it."

To be honest, they are right. I am not happy with attending UCR. The campus is beautiful, the people seem so content, and the school is one of the ten "up-and-coming universities." It's a wonderful, wonderful school.But it's not MY school. It's not where i feel like i'm needed for all four years.

Stanford. I feel it every time i utter the words. Every time i see a photo, or hear about some old classmates who have been accepted, or look at the flag-red background against the coal-colored lettering of that University, i know that is the place i am truly supposed to be attending.

All that i have to say is "THANK YOU GOD FOR THE TRANSFER OPTION!"

That is my last chance to attend that university, to fully realize my potential. It is a ways off, so, for now, i will travel this road, keeping in mind the preparations i must make to ensure my success.

My Manifesto

I call upon myself, oh God!
To bing forth my strength.
To Mold my determination.
To go aboce and Beyond expectations
to shatter prejudices and stereotypes.

I call upon myself, Oh God!
to name my goal and to reach it
to test my Will and to be tested by fire and emerge all the better.
To stand tall through adversity,
never wavering from what is truly right.

I call upon myself, Oh God!
To go where no man has gone before
To know where they have gone before
and to travel both paths.

I call upon myself, oh God!
to bear the weight of my responsibilities
to do what is difficult
to be what is needed.

I call upon myself, O God!
To keep my eyes on the suffering of the needy
To exercise compassion on both the just and unjust
To carry those unable to carry themselves and to teach them to walk on their own.

I call upon myself, O God!
To keep a level head when fear and anger threaten and attack.
To strive for a more perfect Union.
To raise spirits wherever I go.
To show mercy to those who come against me.

I call upon myself, O God!
To battle the evils of Apathy,
To outwit the adversary that is Laziness,
To overthrow the pettiness of Envy and Slander.

I call upon myself, O God!
To slay the fears birthed of Ignorance where they stands.
To Produce a Strong Voice and a Strong Body.
To Imagine and create new avenues of Thought.

I call upon myself, Oh God!
To live life for what it is!
To make each observation count,
and to always make observations!

I call upon myself, O God!
To accept the things that I cannot change,
To change the things that I can,
And, most importantly, KNOW THE DIFFERENCE!

I call upon myself, O God!
To hold your creeds to my heart
to persevere, even when I fall
To live as You would have me live,
And to never fall out of touch!

I will take knowledge for what it is---Necessary
I will take Jesus's gift for what it is---Mandatory
I will take my role as God' worker as it is---Honorary.

I call upon myself to be.
To finally be.

-My Prayer Journal.

Happily Hippie

Ummm so i took this test that i found to be hilarious and somewhat insightful. Mind you, it isn't necessarily one that a lot of people would like-- the author goes out of his way to talk smack about your personality, focusing on negative traits of each personality....

I got the hippie... and apparently, i would get along with televanglists, hand-raisers, and robots.

Though i'm the exact opposite of sociopaths.... [buhahahah!]

CHECK IT OUT!

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/the-personality-defect-test

Sales Associate Positions Available...

• MUST HAVE GIFT IN SALES AND A GIFT IN EVANGELISM

• MUST HAVE A HAPPY AND ATTENTIVE SERVANTS ATTITUDE

• MUST BE COMFORTABLE PRAYING FOR AND WITH PEOPLE

Candidates must attend to and greet people immediately at stores. Must be mature and effective, suited for a fast paced environment. Please drop by each store for an application.

As i read the requirements for my local C28 store, i find myself presented with a dream job opportunity. Working in a christian retail store would position me in a positive, christian environment where i could really grow in my faith. I would be surrounded by other Christians, work on my skills as a servant, and really just be grounded, i think, in such a faith-based environment.

However, looking at the requirements, as some of the my readers may know, i may not meet the requirements for consideration.

All of my friends no this fact: I am a little screwed-up. I lack discipline, i am melodramatic, and i really have issues with practicing faith, within myself, with God, and with other people. I get out of hand, sometimes, and i can get very mopey at times... and there's always THAT issue...

But i so DESIRE this job. I want my first paid job to be a worthwhile experience, and i don't want anything to stop me from getting it if it is, indeed, God's Will for me...

Maybe i suppose that i am writing this because i want to change. I feel like the reason i see myself as so unequipped for the job is because, i know i could've been doing better. i should've been doing better. I say i love God, but i still struggle with the same issues day fter day, and i'm not winning. I'm not overcoming my temptations. I have a terrible track record, and i don't want to have to lose something important to listen. I don't want that to be the story of my life.

I know this is a lot to take in. but, for all of my christian readers, i only ask, that you would take the time out of your day to pray for me. I want, need, your support. Thank you.

Mash-up-- Somebody To Love/Keep Holding On

Wouldn't that make a great combination? It certainly would an appropriate mix for what I am thinking of tonight. As the clock reads Quarter past the One, i once again find myself up at the wee hours [although hopefully i'll just got bed earlier than the night before] contemplating my life. No IB tests in the morning, and, from my understanding, tomorrow is going to be a pretty easy day.

So yes, the title? I suppose, unless you are a rock buff both old and (fairly) new, you may not know the music. It's a combination of Queen and Avril Lavenge (dunno how to spell her name, unfortunately), The lyrics can be found on metro lyrics, though it isn't as if you didn't already know that, right?

The reason i thought of those two songs is because of my recent evaluations of myself. As things are now, I am not the person i want to be. As the Quote read on the board of Freshmen Honors' English:

With every day, and from both sides of my intelligence, the moral and the intellectual, I thus drew steadily nearer to the truth, by whose partial discovery I have been doomed to such a dreadful shipwreck: that man is not truly one, but truly two.

I myself desire two different things. Even now, i find myself telling the world "I'm not getting married! I'm not getting into any sort of relationships!" Yet silently, i still picture a future mate, and isn't something that i hate, though, because i am not attracted to women, it causes an issue. For now, the only image i have is of him holding our child, parenting him/her. Asking me for help. And me giving him that help.

But he's nowhere to be found. I haven't run into him yet, haven't seen him. Haven't been able to answer the question "What are you going to do once you meet him? If you ever meet him? If you NEVER meet him?" That christian man that i only see in my daydreams, which i only condemn now because i am constantly reminded of those verses. In all honesty, it should be my shipwreck.

However, life doesn't skip a beat, and neither has my faith in God. This issue i have wrestled with and wrestled with, but i have recently simply tagged out and let God take care of this. Even today, my entire being has been coping with this age old struggle quite well. God has given me peace in this storm.

So i suppose my desire for that man that i cannot see, and that faith which i cannot leave, has prompted me to have such bizarre, custom-tailored peace from God, and that mash-up came to mind.

Ready or Not, the Final Guardians await....

This is the realization that has been haunting the nine of us for the last three weeks. Time since then has not slowed down at all, but more like speed up. I find myself thinking, "I wish i had more time. I wish i had done more right."

But i don't really wish for that. Not one bit.

Why? well, i suppose that which each day, came to realize that the only thing that i really dread was that waiting period. that is only the really scary part.

my post will be short, i have to prepare. forgive, me i must leave.