Prison of Amber

I don't know what I am doing.

I really don't even know where I am. I mean yes, I'm aware of the fact that I'm laying on my bed in my dad's house, with my feet on the pillow that I lay my head at night. I am aware that i am typing my thoughts on an online journal that only has maybe four people who will actually read this, and only two who will be truly reading it out of sincere'ty. I am aware of that much.

But in terms of my peace, my sanity, my salvation, that is what i am jeopardizing, and safety lies behind one of two doors, and i am the contestant on this sick game show of cosmic and eternal proportions. I must answer. I have to answer.

For those of you who don't have me as a friend on facebook, i have recently text to my parents and friends my "coming to terms" with my sexuality. I had declared my sexuality as gay, and that everyone had to come to terms with it, or sever ties with me. I gave an ultimatum. I always give one of those, it seems, and they always come back to bite me in the behind. I always hurt more from the losing of a friend. I always feel like i've lost.

I don't know what it is I want. Ever since coming out of the closet, again, I come to several painful realizations. I started hitting on friends. I have lost reverence for several things that the bible declares to be held sacred by God, including sex, though i am glad to report that i haven't had sex, albeit i have not exactly been incorporating the best and most Christian attitudes in life since then. What's more, I stopped reading my bible. It scares me to think about God's Will, though i have to say that's been the only thing on my mind since I came out.

Most of my fears for God's Will seem to be from the idea of not being able to discern what is and isn't God. Everything that i think can be God, is instead compromised by my knowledge of the avenues of faith and belief. It is disturbing how lies use all the same avenues. What am I to do when my faith seems to be mirroring the work of sociology...?

I find myself coming back to the original question of epistemology:

How do you know what you know?

It's been that same question that has spawned such terribly enlightening doubt, something that i had initially come to love to apply to my faith, so that I might strengthen it. I thought i had found a way to save myself. From what, i cannot say for certain.

But now.... now, i am just so Confused. What am I doing? Where am I going? Am i truly loved by God? Can the bible truly be trusted? Am I better off now than before, or am i headed down a slushy slope towards an inescapable rut? Have i lost the ability to feel? Am i growing up? Is a hero a hero for pushing onwards, when everyone told him to turn back? Is th fact that he succeeds in venturing into a new territory make him a a fool?

I never sought to cause pain or stumbling with my words. I do not seek to involve anything that could destroy a fellow Christian's belief system. But... I was unhappy when I didn't make a decision, and now that i have made one, i'm unhappy still. I was even unhappy before, when i had gone along with the opposite decision.

My world is hazy. Right and wrong, black and white, gray, I have accumulated a storehouse of disgust for all of it. I have nothing at the end of the day.

A response to the millions of Congressmen in my own life.

This is a Man's World...
This is a Man's World...

The words drip down like water on my goosebump-clad skin. I make the lonely march down the double-yellow line of the deserted Boulevard, the overcast, yet tightly-stitched sky holding water overhead. The off-beats of the drum orchestrates my steps as i walk: Left...right...left...right... the sway pulling my heartstrings side to side.

I look left. Pinnacles of Classical Western Thought, Christianity, and Traditional Morality stand like crumbling marble, and bronze stained by ocean air. Depictions of bible stories and Anecdotes into depressions and busts. Lot's Mourning of his Wife and his friends. Abel being struck down by Cain. Mary covering her face from the crucified Lamb. Nothing to show Heaven. Nothing to open to paradise. The faces, though carved by imperfect tools, are contorted with human emotion. Pain. Anger. Jealousy. Shame. Regret. Despair. Joy.

Man made the Electric Light to bring us out of the dark...

It's almost too much to bear all at once. I lower my face.

I turn right. The revolution. Glorified impressions comprised of Oil and Earth lay before me. Brush strokes whimsically draw forth depictions of festivals, splashes of valor, and catacombs of power, all colored by passion and the nearly limitless hues of desire. Jovial settings. Calming settings. Settings of excitement. All seemingly forbidden. But the faces betray them. They lay complacent, devoid of truth and understanding. They have no depth, and only sickening images of cream cheese croissants invade my thoughts. I can see clearly the lack of depth in some of the paintings; others, i must stare a little longer.

Man made the boat for the water, like Noah made the arc..

I find myself biting my lip at the Paintings and Clenching my fists at the statues. Blood drips from my lips and my palms. There they stand, petrified in motion, having what i lacked, or maybe i had what they lacked, but whatever it was, i was alone. They all had something, or didn't have something, that was a burden to myself. They were all stuck, content, not trapped on a road that forever pointed in an obscure direction. I would turn back, but i haven't figured out how to turn around yet.

Many a times i've just sat down in the middle of Road. I've prayed there. I've slept there. I've sped, ran, sprinted down that yellow line, knowing full well i couldn't ever turn around. But i've always been there, never truly stepping onto the sidewalk.

Again i march down the double-yellow, the beat swaying my chest. I cannot stray too close to one side without pendulum swinging to the other. I cannot allow my skin to get too hard that i lose color, nor can my colors become air-brushed that i lose the capacity for depth. But this line, this yellow, double-line, has become suffocating.

I step to the left. Three to the right. My arms stretch outwards. My body unravels. Marches become leaps and poses and spins. I feel the words and the strings and the beat garnish my appendages as i lay out my body. They flow from my goosebump-clad skin in awe. The feeling arises withing my core faster than the speed which i spin on a toe.

"You see... This is a Man's world."

I Dance amongst the burning of Sodom and the falling of the Twin Towers. "This is a Man's World... This Is a Man's World."

I flee down the double line, a spin comprised of my entire emotive capabilities. "But it wouldn't mean nothing..."

The Statues fall.

"NOTHING...."

The paintings fade like water-colors. I Lay exhausted on that yellow line.

Without a woman or a girl....
He's LOST... in wilderness
He's LOST... in bitterness
He's LOST... in loneliness

NOTE: please check out the link for the song. It'll make more sense.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Iew1oYAfFs

What life and Castle Park have in common...

Their rides are deceptively scary.

I spent a part of my day with my God Brothers at Castle Park. The rides that had gone as a child all seemed different: the ones that i had been uncomfortable with in the fifth grade looked like child's play, and the ones that i had been comfortable with in the fifth grade were all gone now.

But as i got on the rides that i had known and laughed on before as a youngster, I found that i had found a new rush, a new sort of exhilaration that i hadn't felt in years.

On that note, I also got to spend the day with Four wonderful little boys of mine. I got to let them lead me around the park as they headed towards the log ride, merlin, screaming demon, and vickings. They clung to me as we went on the big kid rides, laughed on the kiddie ones, and they were quite the thrill seekers. I think i was more afraid of the rides then they were.

Sometimes, we think we know everything as grown ups, but i can say that children can teach us a great deal about life.

When i Pray, God's sitting on the bed, and he's listening to me Rant.

It's true.

I pace back and forth in front of the bed in my room, door closed, and i spill out what I'm feeling to the space on my bed where God would be sitting. It's an exercise I've been trying out for communicating to God.

I rationale for this exercise is to find a way to erase my perception that God is sitting on this throne chair, and i have to approach him like a king. Not to disrespect God in anyway, but it simply rings too much like the citizens of the medieval times, and that image is fine when dealing with a distant God who takes no part in his subjects' daily lives. It's fine when the God is in the middle of the trials of Judgment, when he has to carry out the predestined punishment of those who rejected him. That's fine then.

But what about now? When people still need him? What about now, when those steeped in pain cry out for salvation? When those who act out in pain still mourn in silence, alone, and without friends? Do they need someone to sit on a throne to judge them further? When they have already judged themselves to be unfit for love, for friends, for happiness, for anything other than depression, pain, and endless self-torture, do they need a God who stands idly by as they spiral further and further into a dark, lifeless state?

Not according to my God.

"Blessed are the poor in Spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, For they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
Matthew 5:3-10

This passage should come as an encouragement to some of you. This tells us that there is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary, and that God isn't standing by while you suffer. If you mourn, he'll comfort you. If you practice mercy, mercy will come onto you. If you seek to establish and maintain peace, then you will see God. God doesn't like to see those in pain, but he hates more to leave them there. He's not a distant judge anymore than we need him to be. He knows what we need, and he can be it all.

When i start to talking to God, it helps to imagine him as a faceless friend who listens to everything that you have to say with concern and seemingly undivided attention. When i am reading the bible, i'm listening his anecdotes and stories and parables to take advice and understand in my current situation. Sometimes the advice is puzzling, sometimes straightforward, sometimes "not what we need to hear right now" but everything we need to live a Godly life. To establish a life where we can live thankfully for whatever situation we have.

To all my readers in Pain, over whatever it is, whether you believe in My God or not, know this: he hasn't changed his love for you at any point. It's always been the same doting and overwhelming love that puzzles, confuses, and scares us. I know that there are a multitude of reasons that you may have for not trust Him, but i can tell you that not one of those reasons can be explained after you at least give him a chance. Before you go to bed tonight, i want you to sit God down and get everything out in the open. Verbalize everything you've felt about him all this time. Unleash your fury or beg for forgiveness: God knows the intent behind them both. And he is faithful to you, dear reader; he wants you to prosper.

Vaya con Dios. Verdadmente.

Two days AFTER the beginning of the rest of my life

Good den, my friends.

I graduated two days ago, and i have to say that the feeling is everything i never thought i would feel, because i thought i was too calloused, to familiar with the whole "graduation" scene, because of my own imagination of how it would play out.

But you know? I wouldn't have traded that night for anything in the world. I loved every moment, from the heart warming speech of my mama hawk to the hilarious crowd reaction to the score at half-time game at the laker-celtic game. When the confetti was shot in the air and the fireworks went off in the sky, I truly saw every moment i had ever struggled in evaporate in that moment. Being with my friends, having nothing to worry about, and simply celebrating the moment, the joint achievement of our society, and i realized that i was the happiest i had been in a very long time. In truth, it was a story-tale ending to that chapter of my life.

Now?.... now, i look towards the future. I have a goal. I have the books i want to read, the movies I want to watch, and the experiences i want to have. I will seek to further my mind, my heart, and my body's health than before, for when preparing to take the world by storm, one must be go into trials of exercise....

So my friends, i must say that, if graduation, and the days leading to it, have taught me anything, is that each individual is where they are because they NEED to be there, to make a difference. Wherever you are and where you go, remember that you need to be there. It is God's plan for you.

Good night, dear scholars.

Vaya Con Dios.

Benediction

Tomorrow... what a strange thing tomorrow will be. What a wonderful thing tomorrow will be. Tomorrow will be the last time i see many people who have grown close to me. It will be the last time i see my classmates that i have spent in training for the last four years. It will be our initiation into the world, for some. For others, a ticket to a greater responsibility.

I can only thank God for where i am. Four years ago, I would've never guessed how my own high school life was being set up for such a wonderful ending. I was unsure before, but I know now, more than ever, that i couldn't have been put in a better place than my high school.

I have been shown the opposite side of the sea. That place where the water is sky and sky is water. Where nearly everything pales in comparison to the desire to save the people and the most powerful force isn't money or position or power, but of love and trust and happiness. I have been baptized by water, dried by wind, lead by earth, and kissed by fire. Angels continuously prepare the road before me and Jesus travels alongside me as lovers do.But the road has not been easy. There have been pitfalls and detours and splinters the size of fangs, but I have overcome them all, and stand now, tall and more prepared than ever.

Tomorrow, the ceremony begins. My loved ones have blessed me with their wisdom, prayers, and wishes. I must start on my own pilgrimage now. Time for me to use my gifts to impact society.

"ev'ry generation gets a chance to change the world."

This is my chance. This is my time. The road is long, but we may see each other again someday.

Until then, scholars of twenty-ten, may your days be as days should: some blessed with comforting sun, others, refreshing rain. May the storms of life never stop you from pressing onwards, and may each step you take, each resolution you stake, and each choice you take be an echo of all you are.

Vaya Con Dios...

It was the sweetest farewell i received in the longest time. It through me for a little bit of a loop, also. Well, about as much as someone who may have Tonsillitis can be thrown for a loop when he's literally crying because of how much it hurts to swallow. Geez, if my tonsils have to come out because of this, i'll be happy.

As long as i don't miss graduation.

Yeah, for those of you who don't know, i haven't graduated yet. I'm going to this thursday, and i'm not going to miss it because i have something so stupid as TONSILS stop me. I don't care if i have to escape from the hospital to make it to the football stadium. I want to be there. Half of my family is coming over!

But as my mind was trying to speed up the ibuprofen and block out the pain for me to sleep, Gandalf sent me a benediction that made me think.

Vaya Con Dios

it took me a little while to interpret the sentence: Go with God.

It was a reminder, that God was still with me in this time. It's not to say that i hadn't already known this: only minutes before i was crying to him to take this pain away. but when he said it, it still brought a calm over me. I was still comforted in the notion that i was with God though it didn't necessarily feel that way at the time.

So, i guess my readers, what i am writing this post for was to say that God is still there in the pain, and he wishes not for you to think of sickness as punishment so much as a trial. Metal must be cleansed by fire, and christians must be cleansed by trial.

with love.