Prison of Amber

I don't know what I am doing.

I really don't even know where I am. I mean yes, I'm aware of the fact that I'm laying on my bed in my dad's house, with my feet on the pillow that I lay my head at night. I am aware that i am typing my thoughts on an online journal that only has maybe four people who will actually read this, and only two who will be truly reading it out of sincere'ty. I am aware of that much.

But in terms of my peace, my sanity, my salvation, that is what i am jeopardizing, and safety lies behind one of two doors, and i am the contestant on this sick game show of cosmic and eternal proportions. I must answer. I have to answer.

For those of you who don't have me as a friend on facebook, i have recently text to my parents and friends my "coming to terms" with my sexuality. I had declared my sexuality as gay, and that everyone had to come to terms with it, or sever ties with me. I gave an ultimatum. I always give one of those, it seems, and they always come back to bite me in the behind. I always hurt more from the losing of a friend. I always feel like i've lost.

I don't know what it is I want. Ever since coming out of the closet, again, I come to several painful realizations. I started hitting on friends. I have lost reverence for several things that the bible declares to be held sacred by God, including sex, though i am glad to report that i haven't had sex, albeit i have not exactly been incorporating the best and most Christian attitudes in life since then. What's more, I stopped reading my bible. It scares me to think about God's Will, though i have to say that's been the only thing on my mind since I came out.

Most of my fears for God's Will seem to be from the idea of not being able to discern what is and isn't God. Everything that i think can be God, is instead compromised by my knowledge of the avenues of faith and belief. It is disturbing how lies use all the same avenues. What am I to do when my faith seems to be mirroring the work of sociology...?

I find myself coming back to the original question of epistemology:

How do you know what you know?

It's been that same question that has spawned such terribly enlightening doubt, something that i had initially come to love to apply to my faith, so that I might strengthen it. I thought i had found a way to save myself. From what, i cannot say for certain.

But now.... now, i am just so Confused. What am I doing? Where am I going? Am i truly loved by God? Can the bible truly be trusted? Am I better off now than before, or am i headed down a slushy slope towards an inescapable rut? Have i lost the ability to feel? Am i growing up? Is a hero a hero for pushing onwards, when everyone told him to turn back? Is th fact that he succeeds in venturing into a new territory make him a a fool?

I never sought to cause pain or stumbling with my words. I do not seek to involve anything that could destroy a fellow Christian's belief system. But... I was unhappy when I didn't make a decision, and now that i have made one, i'm unhappy still. I was even unhappy before, when i had gone along with the opposite decision.

My world is hazy. Right and wrong, black and white, gray, I have accumulated a storehouse of disgust for all of it. I have nothing at the end of the day.