I don't like the person that I am becoming.

I am without explanation for my latest transgression, like so many I had committed beforehand. There will be consequences to the actions I have taken. I may even lose friends over this. I cannot say it will be easy, or that I am prepared for what may come, but i wish to just... say it.

I had sex. I knew this Guy in Los Angeles who I had met online, and had been talking to about a few weeks ago. I had told my mom that i had gone to LA, to see the museum, and i was, but with a friend. Instead, I slept with him, and we did several other activities outside of the bedroom: Saw Toy Story 3, visited an H&M Store, and i bought a book by Derrick Jensen Titled A Language Older Than Words. We talked about television shows and coffee and ate at a diner

But i Still had sex. I still broke a vow of fidelity. I still killed my marriage, before the thing even started. When my friend went to go try on some clothes at H&M, I stood amongst the racks of clothing while people filed through to find the right sizes for them, their kids and friends, and I realized that we never feel so alone as to when we are in a crowd. It seems like the Loneliness is accentuated by the live juxtapositions.

I nearly Cried in the Damn store. I realized that i may continue to look for validation my entire life. I was told what i needed to do to live, but what counted as follow those now seemingly arbitrary rules?

today, i lost just another touch of humanity.

I don't like the person i am becoming... i feel... dead. Like a painting without depth.