Dear readers, I don't know if your rooms are pristine in comparison to mine, or if they seem to be about the same, or even if they are landfills you've stopped sleeping in, opting instead to crash on the couch for the night... or month. But how clean our room is, can be a great indicator of how our life is at that point in time. My room has seen its clean days and its horribly cluttered days. There have been days where I've worn the same shirt multiple times, and there have been days where I have been on top of my chores and maintaining a a relatively clean environment.
Looking around the clutter that I have amongst my feet and my room, I see a million things that I need to have done. That I should've done already. It's something that is all to familiar to me, yet I wake up each morning and try not to get off my bed, or look at my desk. I'm avoiding the problem. I don't want to deal with it.
The mess of my own life mirrors that situation a lot, almost to the point where it scares me. They pile up and clutter and oppress my thoughts and say "You know what needs to be done. You know what you have to do. We are just going to sit here until you acknowledge us and do something about us."
For the past few weeks, I've been driving myself like a runaway train running out of track. I've felt it more these past few days than I've felt it in a long time. I've been running, trying to avoid this presence in my life that I can't overcome, and that I can't control or deny any longer, and it was stupid to try and do so, but I do it all the time. I did it for the reasons that i avoid anything: I was afraid to change.
I had another sexual encounter. We don't talk anymore. I made sure of that. But you know what? It was fake. From the time I met up with him, per his request, I knew what would happen, and that it would be fake. And yet, I still went along with it. I know that, on quite a self-prominent level, I have a tendency to seek these things out, and I hate that. Yes, I seek random sexual encounters, and it gives the worst feeling in the world, because they are never what i want. In not a single case did I feel fulfilled, nor closer to the individual that I had encountered.
God... I think that He's been the person that I've been avoiding. He's the person that I've been fighting, and I know exactly why, because I have been angry with him for a long time. Angry at the obvious contradiction between the guidelines of my faith and my wind-like nature. But I've also been afraid. God, I've been so afraid. But I suppose that my fears are because I don't want to lose my attraction for guys. As much pain as it has caused me in the past, I suppose that I've grown so attached to it. It wasn't something that I thought would cause me despair on such a high level, but even so... I still have a lot of good memories during this constant struggle. Being gay may or not be who I am, but it's definitely made up a huge part of my existence, and I don't know if I'm ready to give it up.
So now the ball's in my court. I know I have at least one friend who has stuck by me no matter how much I've whined and complained about how much life has sucked, and I know that they will still be there. The pendulum is set in motion in the opposite direction once more, as I flee across the deserted street where the marble and bronze statues stand poised and petrified [for those of you who don't know the reference, please click this link http://happilyunpopular.blogspot.com/2010/06/response-to-millions-of-congressmen-in.html] Continuing the dance down Amnesty lane.
I wish you all a good den. Right now, i need to clean my room.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISSFmXnHuZc
you've got balls man, for putting this on a public blog. *snaps in applause*
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