Mad to Live, Mad to talk, Mad to be Saved.

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!' What did they call such young people in Goethe's Germany?"  -Jack Kerouac

This quote hung in my favorite room, you know. It was abridged, but only slightly, and for a long time, I didn't pay it much attention. I suppose it would be okay to simply think of this of an anthem of sorts of what I should be looking for in myself, but it is not enough to simply think about it. I have to become these things, for it was in these things that I accomplished feats that in retrospect even amaze myself. It wasn't that my academic performance improved, or even that I had a compass, spiritually, cognitively, personally, all pointing at one thing--excellence.

I have been questioning my life, and whether my affections have indeed been "chosen" at one point in my life. I feel the turn back to my pursuits of possibly unraveling my sexuality and rewriting it to instead be more acceptable, but, then I ask myself, to whom? I've been following the hearsay from Christians, "This is how you have to be in order for God to love you enough to get into heaven." In truth, I cannot see how that can be coherent with God's love. If I am worth it to God, then I will be pursued by him relentlessly.

In the meantime, watch out world, because I'm more than mad-- I'm fucking insane. Insane for Life, for Speech, for Salvation, and I'm burning like roman candles and exploding like a cherry bomb. Have a nice day =}