I've recently reconnected with a place that was sort of a refuge for me during my days of zeal and martyrdom for the ex-gay movement. I do not know what I will do in the days ahead, but I cannot deny that I had a great many positive experiences in that place, and with a great number of people. A couple of you may know what I'm talking about.
Well, this post is dedicated to a friendly anonymous specter who served as a great friend and mentor towards me. Because of certain policies, I'm not allowed to divulge certain information, like username or even the site I was on, but, I find myself very grateful for his presence and his love towards the person I was.
He was in texas, while I live in california. He struggled with "SSA", as we would call it back then, and I was just struggling. He gave me such a love that I couldn't explain, and it didn't have any innuendos [on his end; on mine, it looked like I was seriously flirtatious, even though I was being genuine in the things I was saying], and he was very clear about boundaries, and he didn't build me up with stories or delusions of granduer. He was a mentor, a friend, a confidant removed from my sphere of the physical world and all of its ugliness.
Today, I stumbled on an old thread. It was the only thread where we had spoken. I had started it long before he joined the site and began posting, and I was around for a while after he left. He announced his departure to me and everyone who read our forum, and I read his personal "Thank you", where he said that I had brought out the best of him when he thought he had none.
In truth, I loved him. I loved him so much that thinking about him still bring back a lot of laughter, and I think that that laughter has rescued me, soundlessly, from a lifetime of unhappiness and total hatred of God, even when I had thought that I had. This love was not sinful... for it wasn't lust. It was companionship. It was brotherhood. It was Godly.
I am posting this to pay homage. You see, before I was Atticus, before I was Pishon, before I was Two-Spirits, he gave me a name as well. A Third Spirit, who I had been estranged to. A Third Spirit, who never left, but fell quiet. A Third Spirit, who is back, holding all those letters for me to read, to own, to embody.
Israel. He called me Israel.
Bless you, man that I've not met yet. I hope I recognize you in heaven.
I bet I will.
I hope you left means for him to stay in touch.
ReplyDeletekind words oft lift someone's spirits when they need it the most.
Unfortunately, we were afforded a little more than a fond farewell. According to policies we each to abide by, we weren't allowed to share any information about ourselves that could lead one member to another. I suppose it would be quite the quirk of fate if we did end up finding each other, though.. :)
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